2010 So Far

I just looked at the New York Times list of 100 Notable Books of 2010. Turns out I haven't read a single one of them. That's not very surprising. It's also not very surprising that there's little to no genre fiction on the NYT list. I like my list of things I've read in 2010 much better. These are only books that I've completed. There's plenty of other things I started and didn't finish, but I didn't include them on the list.

Januaray

1. Jane Bites Back – Michael Thomas Ford

2. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

3. Someday This Pain Will be Useful to You – Peter Cameron

4. Rosemary and Rue – Seanan McGuire

February

5. Animal Farm – George Orwell

6. A Local Habitation – Seanan McGuire

7. My Soul To Take – Rachel Vincent

8. My Soul To Save – Rachel Vincent

9. The Dead Travel Fast – Deanna Raybourn

March

10. Black Magic Sanction – Kim Harrison

11. Brains – Robin Becker

12. Happy Hour of the Damned – Mark Henry

13. City of Souls – Vicki Pettersson

April

14. Spellwright – Blake Charlton

15. Silver Borne – Patricia Briggs

16. The Reckoning – Kelley Armstrong

17. Changeless – Gail Carriger

18. Red-Headed Stepchild – Jaye Wells

19. Tempest Rising – Nicole Peeler

20. The Mage in Black – Jaye Wells

21. Mind Games – Carolyn Crane

May

22. The Dead Girls’ Dance – Rachel Caine

23. Posted to Death – Dean James

24. Guilty Pleasures – Laurell K Hamilton

25. The Laughing Corpse – Laurell K Hamilton

26. Unholy Ghosts – Stacia Kane

27. Waking the Witch – Kelley Armstrong

June

28. Early to Death, Early to Rise – Kim Harrison

29. Still Life – Louise Penny

30. A Fatal Grace – Louise Penny

31. Raised by Wolves – Jennifer Lynn Barnes

32. The Prince of Mist – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

33. The Rembrandt Affair – Daniel Silva

34. Unholy Magic – Stacia Kane

July

35.Tracking the Tempest – Nicole Peeler

36. Tomato Red – Daniel Woodrell

37. The Fallen – Thomas Sniegoski

38. Leviathan – Thomas Sniegoski

39. Think of a Number – John Verdon

40. Bellfield Hall – Anna Dean

41. A Kiss Before the Apocalypse – Thomas Sniegoski

42. A Devil in the Details – K. A. Stewart

43. City of Ghosts – Stacia Kane

44. Balthazar Jones and The Tower of London Zoo – Julia Stuart

August

45. Juliet – Anne Fortier

46. Flowers in the Attic – VC Andrews

47. Greywalker – Kat Richardson

48. Poltergeist – Kat Richardson

49. The Cruelest Month – Louise Penny

50. A Rule Against Murder – Louise Penny

51. Shades of Milk and Honey – Mary Robinette Kowal

52. Mary Ann in Autumn – Armistead Maupin

53. The G-String Murders – Gypsy Rose Lee

54. Blameless – Gail Carriger

September

55. Dangerous to Know – Tasha Alexander

56. The Hangman – Louise Penny

57. The Brutal Telling – Louise Penny

58. Bury Your Dead – Louise Penny

59. Flying Too High – Kerry Greenwood

60. A Memoir – Patti LuPone

61. Double Cross – Carolyn Crane

October

62. The Rhetoric Of Death – Judith Rock

63. Ghost Shadow – Heather Graham

64. Ghost Night – Heather Graham

65. Ghost Moon – Heather Graham

66. Virals – Kathy Reichs

November

67.Deadly Night – Heather Graham

68. The Secret History of the Pink Carnation – Lauren Willig

69. The Second Duchess – Elizabeth Loupas

70. Graveminder – Melissa Marr

71. Pale Demon – Kim Harrison

It gets better, but it never really goes away...

I've been pretty quiet for the last month about a lot of things I felt like I needed to talk about. I just couldn't do it. I felt like I've spent a lot of the past month surrounded by death. It's been all consuming, and it's finally getting to the point where I don't feel completely overwhelmed by it. I haven't read a single article about the recent rash of gay teen suicides. I haven't watched a single "It Gets Better" video. I haven't said anything about it, except to say, "I can't deal with this."

Most of you that have known me for a long time know that I was bullied in high school. A lot of you were there to see it, to help stop it, to comfort me, and to make sure I'm still here today. It was never physical. I was very lucky it wasn't. It almost got physical one night though. That night was the worst it ever was, and that's what I'm going to tell you about. I just want you to know what it was like.

It was the end of senior year. I don't remember how this initially started. It happened during the day. It happened all the time, so this particular instance doesn't stand out for me. I was in the hallway, and was getting called a faggot. That evening we were supposed to have Awards Night. It was a time for all the seniors to get recognized for graduating with honors, getting scholarships, and things like that. After the incident in the hall I decided not to go. Then a teacher told me that I deserved to go because I had earned my awards. She was right, and I changed my mind. However, I didn't even tell my parents about the ceremony. I was afraid something would happen and they would find out I was gay. I was terrified.

The ceremony had barely started when the guys sitting next to me started harassing me. I spent the evening being told that I was never going to be anything but a faggot, and that I was nothing but a worthless queer. And I sat there, trying not to cry. I was sweating through my shirt, trying my best not to just get up and run. I felt like if I cried, if I fled, then I was letting them win. I'd be showing them that everything they were saying about me was right. I wasn't going to let that happen. After the ceremony, my friend Sheree' came up to tell me she had heard several people talk about wanting to jump me in the parking lot. She walked me to my car to make sure I was okay. I can't even begin to imagine what could have happened to me if she hadn't done that. I went home angry, scared, and alone. The next day, my friends rallied and took care of me. I didn't find out until way later that one of the guys almost didn't graduate because of that night.

That was just one of many, many incidents I dealt with.

This summer, I was in Target with Matt and I saw one of those guys. My heart started pounding. My hands started shaking. I'm not going to lie. I was scared, and I hated myself for it. Those fears never go away. I'm almost 32. I have a loving husband, and a wonderful life, but the second I saw him walking toward me all of that disappeared. Suddenly I was 16 years old again, and afraid. I spent the next week feeling bad about myself for letting it get to me the way it did.

Suicide was never an option for me. One friend of mine killed himself for different reasons, and I saw what it did to everyone around him. The anniversary of his death was just a few weeks ago. I thought that if I killed myself, the assholes won. If I showed them that I was weak, I was letting myself down. I thought I had to be strong because if I wasn't, they'd see my weakness and things would be even worse.

Does it get better? It does, but it never goes away. There are times when I'm still that terrified 16 year old, trying to put on a brave face because I don't feel like anyone will understand. I don't want to tell the kids that were in my position that it gets better. I want to tell them not to let the assholes win. Don't let some insecure fuck take away your life. I let those stupid bastards destroy my self worth. It eventually got better, but instead of worrying about what college I was going to go to, I worried about whether I'd get my ass kicked going from my locker to english class. Starting community college was extremely hard for me. I was afraid it would be high school all over again. I let fear get in the way of so many things.

I made it through because I had people who care about me. I know not all gay teens are that lucky. I had friends and teachers that were on my side, and let me know they were there. Even when I couldn't go to my family for help, I had people there for me. Telling gays that it gets better is great. They need to know that. But it takes time. It takes strength, and a support system for it to get better. My message isn't, "it gets better." Mine is, "Fight for yourself. Don't let the assholes win. The world is full of people who will try to tell you that you're less than. Don't believe them."

National Coming Out Day just ended. It would be really easy for me to regret coming out to one person. If I hadn't, none of that shit would have happened to me. I don't regret it though. I look at who I am today, and know that I owe so much of it to that terrified little 16 year old boy who didn't give up, and to the people that didn't let him.

To say that I'm blessed is an understatement. There was a time when I believed everything those insecure boys told me on Awards Night. They were wrong.

Walking to my car that evening, I ran into the teacher that convinced me to go to Awards Night. I vaguely mentioned what happened, and she said I was a better person for sitting through that hell than the guys who put me through it. I told her that didn't make me feel any better. Today it does. I see everything I have and know that I won. I didn't let them break me.

What I Learned From David Thompson

This isn’t all I wanted to say, but it’s the most I can get out of my brain. It comes closest to what I wanted to convey, so it will have to work.

The first time I ever went to an event with all of Matt's coworkers and their spouses I felt intimidated. Everyone there was a teacher, lawyer, doctor, or something like that. I felt like I was the only person there who didn’t have a “real” job. I just worked in a bookstore. How could that compare?

If I’ve learned one lesson in the past two weeks, it’s this: It does compare. I’ve seen what just one bookseller can do. How just one bookseller can impact so many lives, and it’s been a beautiful thing to see. I’ve seen how one person’s passion for books and the written word can touch the lives of so many people.

I feel like I didn’t get a chance to know David Thompson very well. I only got to work with him for a few months, but at the same time I feel like I got to learn everything I needed to know about him. I’ve never met anyone more passionate about their work. David loved books, and he loved making sure they found their way into hands of readers that would love them. He loved authors, and making sure their stories were heard.

I’ve also seen once again how powerful words can be. I’ve read so many beautiful posts from authors about how David helped their careers, believed in their work, and was just their friend. I’ve seen how a book can comfort someone. I’ve had people open their hearts and offer beautiful words of comfort. I’ve seen how taking the time to find that perfect book for someone can mean so much to them.

One of my favorite quotes about books is from Nick Hornby. He writes a column for The Believer Magazine about the books that he buys and reads, or sometimes doesn’t read, each month.

"All the books we own, both read and unread, are the fullest expression of self we have at our disposal. With each passing year, and with each whimsical purchase, our libraries have become more and more able to articulate who we are, whether we read the books or not."

I’ll never say I’m “just” a bookseller again. I have David Thompson to thank for that. I just wish I had realized that two weeks ago so I could thank him while he was still with us.

It's been a while since I posted anything new. Everyone please go check out Synde's blog Tombstone Tales. She's a fellow bookseller, and we're teaming up for a series of posts to talk about everything bookselling.

Why Teddy Bears Won't Save Borders...

First off, I want to say that I don't want this entry to come across like a bitter ex-employee. I worked for Borders for 7 years. I want Borders to succeed. I had a good run with the company. I made lifelong friends, was able to buy my first home, and more importantly I was able to spend 7 years of my life doing something I was passionate about. I was able to sell books. I could have found better opportunities that paid better, but I loved what I was doing.

I left the company on good terms. I wasn't laid off like so many people I worked with over the years. A better opportunity was presented to me, so I left Borders for an opportunity to better do what I loved about working for the company. I went to work for an independent bookstore, where a passion for books is rewarded, and still seen as a valuable skill.

Publishers Weekly just posted a blog asking Can Teddy Bears Save Borders? Yeah, teddy bears. Borders is teaming up with Build-A-Bear to sell bears because more books are being purchased online, and this is their way of redefining the bookstore. Borders tried the same thing a year ago when they decided to revamp their children's departments to carry a wide-variety of children's toys and games. It didn't work. The toys didn't sell, and most of them were clearanced out after Christmas. The revamp didn't generate more sales, and it didn't bring in new customers looking for toys. It alienated the regular customers who wanted to know where all the books went.

If Borders wants to redefine the bookstore, they can't do it by focusing on finding something other than books to sell. They need to put the focus back on books. The company pretended they were doing that last year when, under Ron Marshall's leadership, they rolled out the "Make Books" program. Each week, the corporate office would pick one or two titles that all staff members were required to hand sell. Each store was given a specific goal for each title, and if those goals weren't met the staff would be written up, threatened, and called bottom feeders and losers on conference calls.

The company executives didn't understand how bookstores work. You can't take one book and force it on everyone. Ask any school student who has been forced to read something for a class assignment. While the company was boasting about putting books like Kelly Corrigan's The Middle Place and Jamie Ford's The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet on the New York Times Bestseller List, they were continuing to alienate customers with senseless recommendations, and alienating employees with threats. No one wanted to listen to staff members saying that the "would you like fries with that" approach wouldn't sell books.

The contradiction was laughable. Borders wanted its stores to have the feel of an independent bookstore, where employees were always ready with a recommendation on what to read. While they were using the Make Books program to create this illusion they were telling hiring managers that book knowledge wasn't an important attribute to look for in potential new hires. Instead, they should focus on people who could sell anything. Given the choice between a candidate that had great book knowledge but needed help with selling skills, and a candidate that never read but could sell anything, the latter option was the person to hire.

Ron Marshall eventually left Borders and Mike Edwards took over. The Make Book program went away and the people stopped being called losers on conference calls. I'm not mentioning all of this to vilify Borders. The company was in bad shape, and was doing anything it could to stay afloat. Well, doing anything but what it needed to be doing.

Borders needs to rediscover the importance of books. If you want customers to value books, you have to value them yourself. If Borders continues to push books aside for games, Paperchase trinkets (they have since sold Paperchase, so I don't know how that factors into stores anymore), and now teddy bears, they're showing their customers that they aren't committed to selling books.

They need to hire people that can sell books. Most of the people that I know that left the company were avid readers and were passionate about books. Like me, they got fed up with how working for Borders became about selling widgets. We sat by as executive after executive viewed each book as some generic thing to sell. Borders needs to take a look at the people in the organization, from the cashiers behind the registers to the CEOs calling the shots. Are they hiring readers that can sell books, or hiring yet another exec from a grocery store that think he can sell books the same was Kroger sells candy bars?

I want Borders to survive. Everyone loses if we lose the chain bookstores. Borders needs to find a way out of this identity crisis. Teddy bears aren't going to help them do that. A store stuffed with lots of books, and staff members that are excited about those books will.

(and here's another article about the partnership with Build-A-Bear)

Mary Ann in Autumn

I had completely forgotten that Armistead Maupin was doing another Tales of the City book, so I was thrilled when we got an advanced reader copy at work. I was curious to see how another book would fit into the series. When Michael Tolliver Lives came out, Maupin was very adamant that it wasn't another book in the series. It was written in first person and told from Michael's perspective. I didn't love it. It wasn't fun, and it was really hard to see the characters interacting in the modern world. That book worked more as an epilogue to the series, and thinking of it that way made me appreciate it more.

In the new book, Mary Ann in Autumn, a pair of calamities has sent Mary Ann back to San Francisco. Like Michael Tolliver Lives, the book is set in modern day San Francisco. It was jarring to see the former denizens of Barbary Lane talking about their iPhones, tweeting, and Facebook. I know that one of the things that Maupin is known for is how he incorporates pop culture into his writing. I felt like the Tales books did a great job of making you feel like you were experiencing San Francisco in the 70s. It felt really forced in this book. I felt like I was being beat over the head with the fact that it was 2010. Facebook plays a significant part in the plot of the book, but was it really necessary for the reader to know that Mary Ann doesn't like Mafia Wars or Farmville?

One thing that Maupin does is use the mention of technology to show how the characters are uncomfortable with technology and feel out of place in today's world. I think he goes a little too far with it. The references become too distracting. As the book progresses, he manages to find the right balance but the start of the book might turn faithful Tales readers off before they get into the heart of the book. While he spends so much time talking about social media, he makes sure the reader know that he hates it.

Politics, as always, are addressed as well. Maupin addresses Prop 8, and takes a few swipes at the Obama administration. It would be impossible to write about San Francisco and not address Prop 8. I appreciated how he used the character of Jake Greenleaf (Michael's transgendered gardening assistant) to address it, and to make it personal. Jake is a welcome addition to the family. If Maupin decides to keep writing more Tales books I'm looking forward to seeing how he and Shanwa (Mary Ann and Brian's adopted daughter) grow.

Just about everyone that I talked to hates Mary Ann. Her character development in the later books of the series don't leave much room for anyone to feel empathy for her. Don't look for this book to redeem her. It would have been easy for Maupin to write a book where Mary Ann comes home and is welcomed with open arms, but he didn't. She falls back into to easy relationships with some of the characters, but not all.

I can't say what I loved most about the book without revealing a major spoiler. I'll just say that Maupin goes back to a storyline from the first book and does it REALLY well. Once the clues start clicking into place the book gets really really good.

I enjoyed Mary Ann in Autumn much more than Michael Tolliver Lives. I feel like there was more humor in this one. It was a more light hearted, and had hints of the books that I loved so much. I loved catching up with all of the characters that I adore, and if you look at these newer books as a way to grab a quick cup of coffee with old friends they're easier to enjoy.

The Monster Ball: Houston (First Show)

Before I start my review, I want to dedicate it to my friend Meesh. She loved Lady Gaga, and passed away at the end of last year. Every time I hear the song Telephone, it makes me think of her. It definitely did last night.

Semi Precious Weapons was the opening act, and all I'm going to say about them is that I felt like I was watching someone who had auditioned for the role of Hedwig 76 times, never got the part, and decided to start his own band where he could play a watered down version of Hedwig on stage every night.

Gaga's Setlist

Dance in the Dark

Glitter and Grease

Just Dance

Beautiful, Dirty Rich

Vanity

The Fame

LoveGame

Boys Boys Boys

Money Honey

Telephone

Speechless

You and I

So Happy I Could Die

Monster

Teeth

Alejandro

Poker Face

Paparazzi

Bad Romance

We had general admission tickets so were down on the floor damn close to the stage. You can't deny that Lady Gaga puts on a good show. Vocally she sounded great. I think she does a fantastic job of using backing tracks to enhance her performance, and not use them instead of singing. She loves being on stage, and she loves performing for her fans. She also really loves herself. There were WAY too many moments where she would just stand completely still on the stage and let the crowd go crazy for her. At one point after Monster she said she a lot like Tinkerbell, and needed everyone to cheer for her so she could continue.

I didn't quite get the narrative of the show. Gaga and her friends are on their way to The Monster Ball, and their car breaks down. They spend the rest of the evening trying to get to The Monster Ball. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure I walked past a bus advertising The Monster Ball, my ticket says The Monster Ball, all the banners in the venue said The Monster Ball. I thought we were AT The Monster Ball. So apparently The Monster Ball is just the destination, and the show is all about the journey.

Essentially, we watched Lady Gaga perform her own version of The Wizard of Oz. We traveled down The Glitter Way, got picked up by a tornado, and walked through a spooky forest. I was a little disappointed that we didn't get some kind of cover from The Wizard of Oz. I mean, if you're going to use the iconic twister imagery, belt us out a cover of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

The show was everything you would expect. It was over the top, there were lots of costume changes, and plenty of Gaga insanity. Each costume change was more bizarre than the last. She had one dress that had all these crazy moving parts. Each costume started out pretty elaborately, and then over the course of the number different parts would be removed until we she left on stage wearing a bikini. I'd also like to take a second to point out one major failure. Hello, we're in Houston! If ever there were a time to bust out a special unannounced guest, it's in Beyonce's home town! If she had shown up for Telephone, the roof would have been blasted off the Toyota Center!

Speechless was dedicated to all the drunk assholes in her life. She said the biggest drunk asshole in her life was her father, but told the children in the audience that they shouldn't call their fathers asshole, and shouldn't make their parents' lives harder. Speechless isn't my favorite song, and it was a show killer. Not only did it bring the energy of the show to a grinding halt, but she'd sing a verse and then stop to tell a story about her parents, sing another verse, tell a story, sing another verse and then stop to announce she just broke a nail.

My favorite, "what the fuck?" moment of the show came when she performed Paparazzi. It turns out that there really is a Fame Monster. A big giant tentacle monster graced the stage and tried to eat Lady Gaga. Gaga exclaimed, "Oh no, it's taking off my clothes" and with one sweep of a tentacle, her dress was gone. She then proceeded to wriggle around on the ground with one of the tentacles. Of course she survived the battle with the Fame Monster by having the audience kill it by taking pictures of it.

The highlight of the show was Bad Romance. It was the final number of the evening. Gaga and her friends had finally made it to The Monster Ball, and went out with a bang. The entire Toyota Center had their paws up and they were dancing and singing along. The moments in the show where Gaga was able to get over her persona and perform were great. Bad Romance was definitely one of those moments.

One thing became clear to my during the show, I love Lady Gaga's music. I can't stand her as a person. What she says and the image she projects are completely contradictory, and that was more than obvious last night.

She told us over and over again how The Monster Ball would set us free, and we should be who we are and not worry what other people think. Moments later she would be just another half naked pop star with electrical tape over her tits, gyrating on the floor. Gaga as savior to all the weird, awkward, gay, lonely, homely, etc. children of the world just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's because there are so many other artists who have done it better. There are other ways of expressing the "be who you are" message than just screaming (and I do mean SCREAMING) it at your fans. Sadly, Lady Gaga doesn't have the subtlety to do it any other way. I felt like I was being beaten over the head with it, and while everyone around me seemed to be eating it up like candy, it just made me roll my eyes.

I have a hard time with artists who come out on stage and tell us that it doesn't matter how much money you have, and that it's not about the money. Bullshit. Those tickets weren't cheap, so it's a little about the money.

She took every chance she had to tell the world how much she loved her gay fans. It comes across as desperate and really contrived. The desperation that comes with Gaga and her need to be loved and have fame is such a turn off. I felt like she was trying to convince the gays that she loved them so they would love her back. It doesn't have to be so much work. Desperation is never cute on anyone.

She's done wonderful things for the LGBT community. Every night, Virgin Mobile donates money to a charity to help homeless gay teens. It's great to see a pop star champion the cause, and be so supportive of LGBT rights and equality. I would have loved to see her take it a step further and invite local charities or political groups to set up at her shows so people could get more involved. Standing up in front of an arena of people and yelling, "Put your hands in the air for LGBT equality" is great, but you're preaching to the choir, and hand waving doesn't really affect much change.

I don't want people to think that I thought the show was bad. She was a great performer. I felt like I got my money's worth. I had a really great time. I just felt like I was watching two different shows. One was a Lady Gaga pop concert, and the other was a revival at the "Lady Gaga Church of the Island of Misfit Toys." Had there been more of the former, and less of the later, I would have loved the show instead of just liking it.

(all the pictures were taken by my wonderful husband, Matt)